I’m writing this while I sit in a hospital parents room waiting…waiting while a family spend their last moments with their precious baby who they will never take home. The TV is on quietly in the corner of the room and the song “May It Be” by Enya plays out the end of a film.
They won’t be the only family going through this…at this very moment there will be other families holding their babies while they take their final breath. Taking in every inch of them, their tiny fingers and toes, breathing in their scent and saying goodbye.
People often ask me how I can do this “job” and to be honest I don’t really know how to answer?
By my own admission I am a “crier”, I cry at the tv, I cry at a sad article in a magazine and I cry every time I watch one of Remember My Baby’s slideshows…but somehow I find whatever it is in me that allows me to do this with little emotion…..I sometimes doubt myself and think maybe I’m a little heartless as, to date, I have never cried at a Remember my Baby session or indeed after. Don’t get me wrong I do feel sad and I approach the families with kindness and empathy, but I can’t possibly understand what they are going through and so I focus on getting the job done to the best of my ability and the gift I am giving them.
Every session is different, each Baby an individual, and each family dealing with their grief in a different way.
For me the worst part is the wondering what is awaiting me as I drive to the hospital, and yes, I worry whether this will be the session where I break.
I worry that I’ll forget what I’m doing, I worry that my images won’t be good enough, I worry I might say the wrong thing…so many worries. There are no second chances and these parents more than anyone else, deserve the very best I can give them, something to help them remember every detail of their precious child. But the worry is worse than the reality for me.
When I go into that room the worry wanes, I often trip over my words as I introduce myself but then I just focus on a beautiful baby who has gone to sleep, I give them a cuddle, I talk to them and I try my best to capture every beautiful detail of a precious baby who won’t grow up.
The strength of the parents is always quite overwhelming, how they manage to hold it together I will never know…but they do. And I don’t doubt for a moment that at least some of that strength is drawn from the amazing nurses who day in day out give these babies and their families the most incredible care, comfort and respect, they really are the most amazing human beings.
I’m not really sure how to end my ramblings, other than to send my thoughts to anyone who has gone through the pain of losing a child and my thanks to those who support them. xx
May it be
an evening star shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home
Mornie utulie
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadow’s call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now”
Enya
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